A job that defines our sense of self

I had previously posted about whether jobs can define people's sense of self here. It turns out there is one job that does -- it's parenting and this struck me as I was reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness. It's also a "job" where the rewards don't really come until much later (when they are adults) or some times we don't even see the rewards. Unlike working at an office or an occupation there is very little immediate feedback on whether what I'm doing is right or wrong or good or bad. Some of it has also to do with the fact that we are accustomed to be being evaluated, measured at how good we are doing, putting everything we do on scale of 1 to 5 or what have you. A child can't give that kind of feedback -- somtimes the hugs are the bonuses.

From page 6 of her book:
And the real problem was -- the worst of it all was -- it wasn't altogether clear that what they were doing with their lives was actually worthwhile. The choices and compromises -- when all was said and done, they didn't seem to add up all that much. Not to a great sense of achievement. Not to a great sense of pride.

Wikipedia over reliance?

I've been going first to Wikipedia for a lot of things today:
1. Carmina Burana (Orff)
2. Gloria in Excelsis Deo
3. O holy night
4. Trans Siberian Orchestra

And then to YouTube.

For the most part, these searches were rather uncontroversial so I did accept the information in them. There was a lot more information in there than I needed but sometimes this stuff is interesting.

Am currently reading ...

Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. I won't say too much about it now except that it resonates and I can see why it was so hyped when it was first published in 2005. It seems like I'm dog ear-ring every other page. Coincidentally, I heard Harry Chapin's Cat's In the Cradle today which seems to reinforce the guilt of parenthood (I realize it's supposed to be motherhood) seeping into popular culture.

I'm about half way through the book and I like the way she traces through the evolution in what I would call child care/parenting "fads". The weakest part so far is that even though she compares France favorably, she does not answer what the first question that comes to mind: Why didn't French parents buy into the same fads?

Also, I would point out that perhaps one reason dads always bury their heads behind the papers and rely on mom to tend to the kids (and certainly this has been my experience) is that I get crap whenever I intervene which just makes a bad situation worse. Perhaps it's my inexperience or impatience with mediating/moderating/bargaining like the parenting books suggest. Perhaps sometimes I don't think the situation calls for bargaining but in the end I end up screaming at the kids and angry at my wife. My wife is definitely better at talking things out and even though I "hide behind the paper" fuming, glowering and ready to explode, I find that things eventually simmer away and am glad that I sat that one out. In a nutshell, I do butt in sometimes when I feel that I have a handle on the situation (which is probably not as often as I should).

Also I find that kids tend to prefer their moms. This is perhaps biased since I've mainly observed our kids. Even though I stayed home during K1's first 2 years and am on the slow lane right now, there is no doubt that they have a bond with her that I never will have.

Happy Holidays

Today K1 and K2 came back with an art project - dutch clogs made of paper in celebration of Saint Nicholas in the Netherlands. In it was a tangerine and a note explaining the significance of the clog and how Saint Nicholas Day (December 6) is celebrated in Netherlands. Some Googling provided the source of the note:

In mid-November Dutch television broadcasts the official arrival of St. Nicholas and his helper Zwarte Piet live to the nation. Coming by steamer from Spain, each year they dock in the harbor of a different city or village. Wearing traditional bishop's robes, Sinterklaas rides into town on a white horse to be greeted by the mayor. A motorcade and a brass band begin a great parade which leads Sinterklaas and his Piets through the town. Nearly every city and village has its own Sinterklaas parade.

In the following weeks before St. Nicholas Day, December 6, Sinterklaas goes about the country to determine if the children have been well-behaved. He and his Zwarte Piet helpers visit children in schools, hospitals, department stores, and even at home. The bakeries are busy making speculaas molded spice cookies of the saint. During this time children put out their shoes with wish-lists and a carrot or hay, or maybe a saucer of water, for the horse. When St. Nicholas happens by, the next morning children may find chocolate coins or initial letter, candy treats, pepernoten, and little gifts in their shoes. Everyone hopes for sweets, not coal or a little bag of salt.

The Dutch celebrate Sinterklaas on December 5th, St. Nicholas Eve, with festive family parties when gifts and surprises are exchanged. In the Netherlands, unlike other places, adults as well as children join in the fun. As the Dutch like an element of surprise, a small gift may be wrapped in a huge box, or it may be hidden and require following clues to discover where it is.
Gifts are prettily wrapped in special Sinterklaas paper or they may be hidden, for example, in a potato or an old sock. Each gift, anonymously signed "from Sinterklaas," comes with a clever rhyme that may point out a person's shortcomings in a humorous way. (For the less creative, there are books with suggestions for making rhymes and packaging disguises.) Originality, not value of the gift, is what counts.

Children sing traditional Sinterklaas songs while waiting for the saint to appear. A knock comes on the door and a black gloved hand appears to toss candies and pepernoten inside. Children scramble to gather up the treats. A large burlap bag, "de zak van Sinterklaas," also appears filled with gifts. At the table, decorated with speculaas and other sweets, guests may find their initial in a chocolate letter at their places. Food is apt to include hot chocolate, Bishop's wine, and letter banket.

The Dutch feast of Saint Nicholas is about giving, for "it is in giving that we receive." The fun is in trying to surprise people, to tease in a well-meaning way, to make a good joke, to produce a rollicking rhyme. The gift itself is just a bonus, as the fun is in the doing.

Using a blog as a reminder

I had earlier noted that I'm blogging partly to keep notes for myself. Looks like Andrew Gelman is doing the same. Here's his entry on Optimal Properties of Some Bayesian Inferences and Weakly Informative Priors. This entry is also a reminder to myself to look at Bayesian methods at some point in the hopefully near future.

Don't tell your kids they're smart

I had seen something similar to this before. This one is from Scientific American which headlines as The Secret to Raising Smart Kids - Hint: Don't tell your kids that they are. More than three decades of research shows that a focus on effort—not on intelligence or ability—is key to success in school and in life. I agree with this - I grew up with everyone praising me about how smart I was and when I can't do something right I think I'm stupid. I see the same effects on K1. We've been careful not to praise her but she still thinks she's stupid when she can't get something right. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do anything about her teachers or some of her peers' parents. She hears that she's smart - a lot more than she needs to, I think. In parent-teacher conferences, the teachers tell us she's smart and I think she sometimes overhears them when they sometimes tell it to us informally. This article has the benefit of describing an experiment though not on young children. By itself the experiment doesn't convince me so my bias is due to my prior. The effect of hearing they are smart is cumulative and the earlier they hear they are smart the harder it is for them to shake off the label. In any case, these are just gut feelings colored by personal experience more than any sound data or scientific evidence.

Snow today

Not the earliest snow we've had but certainly great to start off the winter. It looks like 2"-3" accumulation from our deck. Shoveled twice. Love our new wider driveway. We had been hemmed in by retaining walls on both sides and there was nowhere to put the snow in previous years. This time I actually enjoyed shovelling (twice!). K2 loved it -- stomped around in the school playground while waiting for K1's dismissal. And thank goodness the drive to and back from school was stress free. I was worried about gridlock -- my biggest gripe about living in Washington, DC. Otherwise, I love this place. Let's see what tomorrow brings.